Lonely
by Phwidoogle
Summary: Tomoyo was content living in her world of loneliness, until he came along. And now, no matter how hard she tries, she can't escape the feeling in her heart, the feeling she never wanted to have.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Cardcaptor Sakura. Yeah.

Alone.

The girl sitting by the window knew what alone was. Her long black hair hid her face as she stared out into thedark nightsky. Yes, she knew what it was like to be lonely, to feel that there was no soul on the earth that loved her. Of course she knew she was wrong, there were plenty of people who cared about her! Or were there? She had bodyguards, servants, a huge house, but none of those people really cared about her; they definitely did not love her.

And now Sakura had Syaoran...

No! She knew she shouldn't feel this way. She was so happy for Sakura and Syaoran, truly she was! Sakura cared about her, and always would. And there was nobody in the world that she cared more about. Sakura's happiness made her happy; nothing gave her more joy than seeing her friend so blissful around Syaoran. But still...she wanted someone who she could be that way with...so open...so..in love...

But it was better this way. Better to live a live of loneliness than to fall in love and have her heart broken...again. She was glad Eriol was gone. Nobody had noticed how she had fallen for him when he was there; she was much more secretive about those kinds of things that Sakura. But she had. She had even gone so far as to dare to hope that maybe something would come of it, maybe this would be different from all the other times she had liked somebody. That maybe this time she would be loved back, instead of loving someone who did not share the same feelings at all for her.

And then the day had come when their teacher had announced he was going back to England...

She saw him that one last time, and then he was gone. She hoped he would never come back. But then again, she did...

No, she never wanted to hear from him again, ever. Better to erase his memory from her heart forever than to live with the pain and sorrow of it all. It was better to be lonely, than to love and not be loved back. She did not want to love. Only pain could come from it.

With these thoughts in her head, Tomoyo went to bed and fell asleep. She did not cry. She never cried over things like this.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning was sunny and beautiful, and as Tomoyo woke up, all the thoughts she had had the previous night were forgotten. Life was back to normal, at least for now.

She walked to the park where she was meeting Sakura and Kero. Today was the first day of summer break, and they were having a picnic to celebrate. Sakura was already there by the time Tomoyo arrived, which was quite surprising. Sakura was always late.

"Good morning, Tomoyo!" Sakura called cheerfully as soon as Tomoyo was in sight.

"Good morning Sakura! And Kero!" she added as she saw the little yellow creature who had already eaten half the pudding.

Tomoyo sat down beside her best friend, grateful for this moment with just the two of them, the way it used to be. Sakura really was her best friend, she realized, despite all the awful things she had thought last night. Even with Syaoran, Sakura had never abandoned her, ever.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Sakura, talking about a letter she had just received from Syaoran the day before, "He says that it's summer break in Hong Kong, too, and he and Meilin are coming here to visit! They're getting here in three days, and they're staying for two whole weeks! I haven't seen him since last summer, can you believe it? Tomoyo? Are you listening?"

Tomoyo smiled to show she understood. Sakura went on,

"Oh yes, I also got a letter from Eriol the other day too. He says that he'scoming back, but he doesn't know when. Oh, wouldn't that be great if they were all here? We'd all be together, oh that would just be wonderful! I can't wait..."

Tomoyo wasn't listening anymore. She couldn't think, couldn't breathe, couldn't control the pounding of her heart. Eriol was coming back...she wanted to see him, she couldn't deny that, but she knew that it would be bad. No...he couldn't come back..he couldn't break her heart all over again! She didn't know what to do...

She pushed the thoughts from her mind. She would worry about them when it was time. Until then, she would try as hard as she could not to think about him, and to ignore the feelings she had when she did.


	3. Chapter 3

Three days later, just as Sakura had promised, Syaoran and Meilin arrived in Japan. Sakura insisted on going to the airport to pick them up and dragged Tomoyo along with her. The minute they were in sight, Sakura ran to them, hugging them both enthusiastically. Tomoyo was more subdued, smiling as she greeted the friends she hadn't seen in a year. Sakura was right; it was good for them to be back.

The four of them walked back toward the limousine that Tomoyo's mother had provided, talking and enjoying each other's company, when they heard yet another familiar voice.

"I've missed you, everyone. And who is this?"

Tomoyo knew that voice. It sent her heart flying through the sky, and at the same time sent chills down her spine. She did not want him here, not now. She could not move, could not breathe, could not think clearly. Desperately she looked at the others, hoping they would say something. But nobody did. Finally she forced herself to look normal and started,

"Eriol!" she said as she smiled, hoping that her true feelings wouldn't show through. "This is Meilin, she left before you came here. Meilin, this is Eriol Hiiragizawa, he came here right after you left," she knew it sounded awful, she didn't know what else to say. Thankfully, Sakura broke the silence after that, although Tomoyo didn't know what she said. All her concentration was focused on walking normally, trying to control her feelings, to ignore them, to forget him...even though he was right beside her.

She finally became aware of what people were saying again as they were driving home. Sakura started the conversation again, cheerful as usual, even more since Syaoran was there.

"Oh Eriol I'm so glad you came and now Syaoran's here and Meilin too! Oh this is so great it hasn't been this way and you've never met meilin before have you..." She went on talking to Eriol, then started talking to Syaoran again.

Tomoyo was unable to contain her curiosity. "Why did you come, anyway?" she asked.

She turned to see Eriol looking at her with a look she had never seen on him...it reminded her of something she had seen before, she just couldn't think what. By the time he answered, it was gone.

"I have my reasons," was all he said, as the familiar mysterious smile came back on his face.

Tomoyo didn't say anything for the rest of the trip, except for a quick goodbye to Syaoran, Meilin, and Eriol when they left at the hotel, and again when she dropped Sakura off at her house. The look Eriol had given her confused her beyond all reason. It reminded her of something, but what?

Finally, when she was alone in her room that night, did she realize where she had seen it. It was the look she had seen so many times on Syaoran...

...when he was with Sakura.


	4. Chapter 4

Tomoyo was awakened the next morning by the sound of her phone ringing. She must have overslept again...she picked it up, but before she could even say hello:

"Tomoyo! This is Sakura! Sorry for calling so early, but Syaoran and Meilin and Eriol and I are all going to see a movie and then eat lunch and do you want to come too!" Sakura's voice screamed excitedly from the phone.

Tomoyo didn't know what to say. She wanted to see them all, but at the same time...she did not want to see Eriol again. To see him would mean falling in love with him all over again...and having her heart broken again when he left again. And then there was that look...she didn't know what to make of it. Just because she knew where she had seen it did not make it better, in a way it made it worse.

"I don't feel well today, Sakura, I'm sorry. But please have fun anyway!" she said as politely as she could. They talked for a few more minutes until Sakura said she had to leave, they were about to be late. Tomoyo hung up and spent the rest of the day designing and sewing costumes for Sakura...and trying to push other thoughts out of her mind.

It wasn't until that night that she allowed herself to wonder what it all meant. If Eriol did love her...like she loved him...maybe...was there a chance..that something might come from it? Something good? No! She couldn't...but she wanted to...but..

She felt as if her heart was at war against itself. She knew she truly loved Eriol, like she had never loved anyone else. Hope desperately told her to do something, that this would work out, that she would be loved. To leave her shell of loneliness behind and trust someone for once, to share her true feelings with someone. She wanted so much to be understood, and accepted, to be loved for who she truly was...

At the same time though, she did not want to leave the shelter of her emptiness. Being alone was something she was used to, and she was safe from the heartbreak, the betrayal, the pain and misery that she saw so many other people go through. If she loved someone, she would no longer be protected against such things; he would leave her, and she would be left with nothing but pain. She knew that. The problem was...she already loved him. She was safe right now, but was she happy?

Her confusion and despair gave way to unmeasurable sadness, sadness that filled the air around her, seemed to weigh her whole life down.

But still she did not cry.


	5. Chapter 5

Tomoyo spent the rest of that week and much of the next like that first day. Sakura would call with an invitation to do something with the rest of them, and Tomoyo would politely turn it down, saying she still wasn't feeling well. Once or twice she regretted it, really wanting to see not only Eriol but Syaoran and Meilin as well.

Once, she got a call from Meilin, asking if she was alright and if there was anything they could do to help. Tomoyo answered her the same way she answered Sakura's invitations, she was just feeling a little sick, and then added that no there was nothing any of them could do. Then she returned to sewing.

Then one day, about a week before Syaoran and Meilin were leaving, Tomoyo got another call from Sakura. This time they were going to a fair that was taking place that night. Tomoyo was about to politely refuse when Sakura said,

"Oh, by the way, Eriol isn't coming this time." Tomoyo froze. Could it be that they had all figured it out? She felt her heart going out of control again, but at the same time she was paralyzed with fear.

"Did he say why?" she asked, forcing her voice to sound calm.

"He didn't." Sakura answered, "I don't think he's leaving quite yet, but he said he had other plans tonight...Oh Tomoyo please come! We miss you so much! It's just not the same without you! Although if you are feeling sick, I guess you should stay home" she added disappointedly.

Tomoyo thought. Sakura said Eriol wasn't going to be there, and she did want to see Meilin and Syaoran again, and she was somewhat sick of being in the house all the time...

"No, it's okay. I'll go, I feel somewhat better today. I'll meet you around five, I guess." Tomoyo answered, and they hung up. A few hours later, Tomoyo left for the fair, not forgetting to pack her camcorder and extra batteries in a bag to take with her.

Tomoyo met Sakura, Meilin, and Syaoran at the park, just like they had said, and from there they went to the fair. Sakura was right, Eriol wasn't there. She didn't see a trace of him all night, even though half the rest of the town was there. She wondered if he had finished what he came for and gone back to England. The thought brought relief and disappointment at the same time. But...she realized that for the first time in a while, she was actually having fun. She had forgotten how nice it was to be with her friends, to just forget all her problems for a little while.

By the time they decided to leave, it was late at night, and most of the other people were gone. They said their goodbyes and headed off in their different directions. Now that she was alone, there was nothing to distract Tomoyo from her thoughts, and once again they turned to Eriol...

Why? Why did he have to come, why did she have to love him? She had been content with being lonely, until he came along. He had confused her emotions beyond all measure, turned her entire world upside down. And somewhere in there, he had given her the hope that she so desperately needed, but was scared to have. She wanted to be free from the pain of her solitude, but not if it meant having her heart broken again!

She ran through the nearly deserted streets, wanting nothing more to get home, to get away, although she knew there was no place she could truly hide. She just didn't know where else to go. She stopped paying attention to where she was going. She felt herself knock something over, but she didn't stop to look what it was. Somewhere she dropped the bag with her camcorder, but still she kept running. Finally, she ran into something that didn't move out of her way. She fell back, pain coursing through her. She felt herself falling, any minute she expected to hit the ground. But she never did. Someone had caught her.

She cringed, already knowing who it was. She could tell just from the way he picked her up, the way he said her name, all of it.

"Eriol," she whispered, all she could say. Only then did she realize how tired and exhausted she was. Unable to stay awake any longer, she collapsed into his arms.


	6. Chapter 6

Tomoyo woke up and felt soft, dewey grass beneath her. Above her was a dark sky, filled with stars. Slowly, she sat up and looked around. The town was nowhere in sight; she was in the middle of a clearing surrounded by trees. She had no idea where she was. Just then, she saw the figure sitting on the grass about ten feet away from her, staring out into the darkness.

Eriol.

She suddenly remembered everything that had happened. She was so ashamed for him to have found her like that. Of course the one time she couldn't keep herself together anymore had to be when she ran into him too. But... Was it really coincidence that he had been there, after all? It had seemed, almost, that he had been waiting for her... But how could he have known? Then again, that was Eriol..

She crawled across the wet grass to where he was sitting and sat down beside him. He didn't say anything, didn't acknowledge her presence at all. So they both sat there in silence. The time they sat there seemed like an eternity, neither one of them saying anything. Finally, it was Eriol who spoke, his voice breaking through what had seemed like a neverending stillness.

"You've been avoiding me."

Tomoyo started to deny it, then stopped. There was no use lying now, not when they both knew that it was the truth. There had been no anger in his voice, she realized, no sarcasm or hatred. He had been stating a fact, that was all. Then there was silence again. Tomoyo knew she should say something, but each time she tried to think of something, the words slipped away. But she was determined to tell him. It was now or never, she realized, and if she did not do something she would regret it for the rest of her life.

"Eriol..I...I...Eriol I--" she grasped desperately for words, but he stopped her. She turned to him, and as she did so her eyes met his. She saw the same look as before, felt it piercing through all of her, down to the depths of her soul. Only this time she was not troubled by it; instead, she did not want it to end. And suddenly she knew what he was saying. He did not say it with words, but his eyes said it perfectly, perhaps better than words ever could.

The tears that she had held in all her life finally came out, burning her eyes and running down her face.  
Eriol pulled her close to him, comforting her as she cried shamelessly. She cried for what had to have been hours, tears of sorrow and and pain for all the hopelessness she had been through, but tears of joy, too, because she was not alone, she had found someone to trust. And finally, in a choked whisper, she found the strength to say what she had been longing so desperately to say for such a long time.

"I love you."

They sat in the grassy clearing all night. Sometimes they talked, but for the most part they just sat together in beautiful silence, enjoying being together. As the first golden rays of light shone over the horizon, Tomoyo knew she was different, and always would be. Her hopelessness and solitude had vanished along with the darkness, all because of the one who sat beside her. Who would always be beside her. For now she loved, and she was loved...

She was not lonely anymore.


End file.
